Now Boris Johnson wants our water.

Posted on 17/06/2011

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Boris Johnson writing in the Telegraph earlier this week has come up with a grand plan to overcome the drought that is affecting the South and South East of England. An area which according to the bampot Boris is the bread basket of the country, he doesn’t specify whether the country he refers to is England or the UK. I know you’re already ahead of me folks; he thinks that Welsh and Scottish water should be sent south to save our English cousins and ensure their swimming pools are topped up with wholesome clean water. According to Boris a few miles of canals would be welcomed with open arms, no NIMBYs to worry about as everyone would jump at the opportunity to park their leisure craft at the bottom of the garden. Boris it seems believes the canals would not be passing through too many council estates or city centres. The whole scheme apparently can be driven by gravity all away from the Scottish Borders to his fiefdom of London, winding its majestic way southward, the construction driven by an army of navies, no doubt, with pit boots, the sleeves of their collarless shirts rolled up as they happily hum Irish ballads.

What Boris doesn’t mention is what the Welsh and Scots would get in return for exporting the water that falls on their hills and mountains to the bonus basket of the UK. No doubt he believes the water is British as no doubt he believes the oil from the North Sea is British, perhaps he would be willing to export some jobs north of the border or import whiskey to go with the water he thinks he needs. Boris could of course simply ask Thames Water to get more efficient, build a few reservoirs (I am sure that the water companies would be happy to allow the NIMBY gin palaces to bob about for a small fee) and sort out the leaks, or is Tory efficiency only to be applied to the public sector and the poor.

On the other hand we could simply bottle it for him and sell it down south at the going rate, a nice wee windfall as Scottish water is still in the hands of the Scottish people. I’m off down the shops to buy some Malvern water to fill the cistern, can’t go wasting a precious asset like Scottish water on flushing the bowl.

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